The One About the Biological Shortcomings of Men

Day 14 of being a dad and I’m noticing a dearth of tasks which God has set aside for just me to do.  So far my wife got to be pregnant, my wife got to give birth, and now my wife gets to breastfeed him. 

Sure, I may be drastically superior at falling asleep with Zach on my chest.  But God didn’t give this task to only me.   With enough training and practice and a class or two, my wife could one day get Zach to fall asleep on her chest like I do, though he probably wouldn’t like it as much.

Showing off our mad sleeping skills.

Kind of like the way I’m an inferior swaddler, guaranteeing at least three appendages free by the time he wakes up.  With some experience, I could swaddle him like mom, tight and cozy:

Mom is the best swaddler!

The point is that there didn’t seem to be anything exclusive to men.  All the exclusive stuff goes to women.  So I was talking to God about this while changing Zach (another thing my wife does much better).  I asked Him why He would give women so many exclusive baby  raising gifts, but men none.

And that’s when it hit me.  Literally.  Zach peed on me and his changing table and the wall.

And I smiled at God.  Knowing that my wife would never be able to teach Zach how to pee standing up.  I thought about putting toilet paper squares in the toilet in years to come, teaching Zach all about timing and accuracy.  And I finished changing him.  He stopped crying.  I picked him up.  And said, “Amen.”

About Jimmy

The stories herein are about a sentimental 80s child who cried at every showing of ET (the sad part where he was lying in the wash) and his families, then and now. His wife, son, parents, and siblings play their parts well. They have their exits and their entrances. Sometimes their exits are sad, but not as sad as ET.
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4 Responses to The One About the Biological Shortcomings of Men

  1. Katie says:

    I love reading your stories. And Zach is really cute and tiny. Hope you are loving this season.
    Tell your lovely wife I would love to talk when she’s free and not sleeping or breastfeeding, etc.

  2. Chrisine Preciado says:

    Awww Gutzman, he is cute! Love the story too hehe

  3. Joe says:

    Just stumbled onto the blog via I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read so far, and look forward to reading more. My daughter is about 20 months old now, so I read your new baby story with a certain fond remembrance. Feel free to check out my blog, if you like. Good luck with the new Dad stuff… I won’t say it gets easier, but it feels a little less odd as time goes on.

    All the Best,


    • Jimmy says:

      Thanks for stopping by, Joe, and the words of encouragement! I hope your reading’s going well this year. When I get some sleep, I’ll post some more! Thanks again!

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